....does it really matter ??...

2005-11-01T08:10:00.000-08:00

Testosterone Calling...

I was driving down Koramangala a few weeks back when a guy riding a bike almost rammed into my car. To this day I do not know how he missed since I was driving a fairly visible car in broad daylight and I am certain he was actually trying to hit me. No one drives that badly by mistake. Anyway, after our almost collision he let go a furious flurry of words that I didnt quite catch completely. However, the parts I did catch dealt mainly with the legitimacy of my mother's and father's relationship and serious doubts that were cast on my parentage. I was able to decipher what my insightful friend was saying because he actually took the trouble to stop his bike and lean over to the driver's seat of my car as he made his musings public. Confronted with such wild accusations flying off the mouth of a seemingly, no, surely uneducated, uncouth son of our great nation, I decided to take the high road and behave like any respectable,impressionable young man and ignore him with dignity. That was just before I stuck my middle finger up and told him that this was no way to speak to his father.

That afternoon there wasnt anything good on TV and so I start to think about the activities of that morning, as to what in the world were the both of us trying to accomplish by insulting each other. After all, there was no damage and its not as if any of the stuff we called each other could possibly be true. Then I finally uncovered the truth - Testosterone. Before any of you nod cynically consider this - would any being naturally denied large possession of testosterone in its system ( read women) react the way we did. The answer would be an overwhelming NO!

Once I reached my conclusion I began to dwell a little deeper on the subject and found myself amazed at the contribution that one hormone ( or whatever it is ) contributes to the male psyche. In fact, now I am convinced that 70 per cent of the male body is made up of testosterone. And the rest by beer. All that stuff you have heard about liver,pancraes,blood etc are completely fabricated by drunk scientists who were just trying to have some fun.(Who the hell would name something "pancreas" anyway?) And once you open your mind to the Testosterone Theory you will amazingle be able to unravel the secrets behind why guys have behaved the way they have until today, with far more ease than any theory you have encountered till date. And it will definetely make much more sense than all that crap about pancreas and all.

You will finally be able to understand why after drinking ourselves silly, guys still go for that one extra drink. And why after puking all nutrious intake and generally feeling miserable, we are still ready to do it all over again. It is the reason why we periodically arrange ourselves in two groups of eleven and run around like idiots behind a round,bouncy object. Why do you think we say weird things and make even weirder noises when a pretty girl walks by and still be under the impression that she fancies us? It is the sole reason why Rahul Dravid ,to this day, believes that the Indian Criket Team can win anything and continues to waste energy and time in pursuit of that dream when in actually he must be writing a self help book called "How to keep a hold of your senses when all else seems bleak". It is the mystery behind why fantastic talents like Mohanlal and Marlon Brando thought -at different times in history- no matter how much crap their films become and how much weight they put on, people will still watch their movies. And if you still have any doubts I present my final argument, The Matador. To me, he is the very embodiment of testosterone filled delusion. This genius has convinced himself that all he needs to take on an animal that weighs four times his own weight, has two more legs that him and two horns ( a physical attribute he will never be able to match) is a red peice of cloth. And to add insult to injury, he has decided to make a career out of it when he should actually be reading Rahul Dravid's book. And have you seen any lady matadors? I rest my case.

After reading the above paragraph, dear readers may be under the impression that testosterone is a negative influence on all beings and society in general. I am definetely not saying that. Actually, I believe that it is the secret behind all things great that mankind has achieved, including internet porn. Alexander the Great is a classic example. This guy spent his all life trying to conquer the world and make all society one and succeeded in his mission to a large extent. He would have been even more successful had he not surrounded himself with losers who I believe were early ancestors of those who make up our cricket team today. And for most recent examples, take the discovery of electricity. Why else would Ben Franklin go out kite flying in the middle of a storm?

I am getting a little concerned that the lady readers of this article may be getting a little tired of listening about the secrets of "men"kind but I beg you damsels to listen. I am giving you the answer to all those things you thought were inexplicable about us. I have already dwelt earlier on our mate-attracting exercises. And havent you always wondered why guys dont listen enough to what you say,generally seems distant when you express you feelings and generally keep forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, your names etc? The answer behind that is.....beer and also, periodical fantasies about Yana Gupta. But the answer to all your other questions is, in fact, testosterone.

Some of you attached ladies may disagree.You may say that your partner is different from the rest. Well....then you really need to read Rahul Dravid's book. All men are the same. Only the size our bank accounts differ and that is purely based on luck. We are all made up of the fluid discussed vivdly in this peice and beer. The combination has made us extremely lazy and will one day make us horribly overweight. Then you may consider leaving us for John Abraham. But when you meet him, you will realise he is just the same as the guy you just thought about leaving. Except he has freakishly straight and shiny hair. And dont worry about disclosing your dreams about John to us. We have learnt that when all else fails us, beer will never let us down. And Yana is in a lotta songs these days.

So, as I sign off I would like to also mention that most of the comments you read above were in jest and were definitely not meant to be serious in nature. Except that part about John Abraham's hair. That is just freaky.

Bye bye.

2005-08-03T01:31:00.000-07:00

Guest Column

Any Need? ( or The Effects of Smoking Pot)
by Aniruddh Madhusudan

Ever wonder how it is that we are able to comprehend our insignificance in the order of the universe? Our lives, our cultures, our wars, human endeavours, all pale into insignificance when one perceives the absolute enormity, in the four dimensions that we comprehend; of the universe. What does it care of a small planet, when our lives are of no consequence to the progress of time. And on a scale beyond us, a quantum clock ticks, the universe moves in a cycle, ever receding, cooling, a dying universe. A death of such a vast entity is worthy of enormous sorrow. Space is a cold forlorn place. Stars and Galaxies are threaded rather loosely through the weft of nothingness. What happens when stars die, when galaxies burn out, when the last spark in this universe is extinguished? Is this a death of any meaning? Think on it. Was all this just a whim of a primordial power, a one creator, or is it just quantum physics acting out its course? Let me riddle you with clichés aplenty. The universe was in existence 14 billion years ago. What existed before? Nothing? The answers are locked in our minds. And they will stay locked because the truth is not something we are equipped to deal with. If the universe were just an experiment or a random coincidental event, does that preclude the possibility of our realm being the only thing ever, or does our sciences and laws apply only to our universe. That there are laws that apply to realms so far beyond us. That our order of thought is limited. If the universe as we know it were just a component of a grander scheme of things, and we were to know that, have we found god? What happens when a mortal passes away? W ell if the spiritualists speak true and the essence of our souls survive, then is that the ultimate knowledge? What good will harboured souls be in a dying universe. If we were to exist beyond death, we will live beyond the stars, where absolutely nothing will have meaning to us.
Horizons, receding ever into the infinite. Are they a function of perspective, dimensions or do they parallel singularities. A point where the space-time matrix does not exist as we know it, where all possible quantum laws break down. All the singularities exist at the same time. A black hole near on some far distant galaxy would therefore be the black hole anywhere else. There is no time, space or light in a black hole. Are all these points in the universe the same? Would this fold the fabric of time and space in ways, which are imperceptible to us?
Horizons stretch to what apparently is a thin single dimension. This would be a function of perception much as the laws of science perceive a black hole. This concept would help us especially when dealing with vast dimensions of the universe. Conversely it would appear that a singularity would remain unreachable forever to us. The fold of space-time would forever keep it at an infinite distance from us. This is where linear thought would fail, and a literal quantum leap of faith must be taken

2005-07-28T22:06:00.000-07:00

The King of Cool

Its pretty alarming how many people I meet everyday who claim to be experts on foreign cinema.For the last decade, we have been regularly fed our dose of movies from across the globe through countless cable channels.And except for some rare individuals who have ventured into the largely unexplored realms of Japanese,Iranian,French,British and Spanish films, to most foreign means American. Not that there is anything wrong with that.Despite the obvious commercialization of Hollywood, America makes and has made some classy films.

What disgusts me is the actual stupidity of people who have seen a handful of English films to be proclaiming themselves as experts.Their favourite director is always Steven Speilberg and their favourite actor is always from a Godfather movie.It either Marlon Brando,Al Pacino or De Niro. Any further enquiry for elaboration will be met with the standard reply, they are method actors.An excellent reason, if it was genuine.You would almost believe these three were the only method actors that ever lived or had any impact on cinema worldwide.

They were not.

Perhaps the greatest and most charismatic exponent of naturalistic acting is unknown to most Indian moviegoers.Because only a true movie fan remembers Steve McQueen.

McQueen was perhaps the most gifted actor of his generation.A generation that included the likes of Paul Newman and Dustin Hoffman. McQueen's performances walked the thin line between method and naturalistic. Every movement was subtle, every expression studied. Never at any instance in any of his films has McQueen been guilty of hamming. Never has his reaction ever looked manufactured.He was not one to force the camera to look at him or try to convince the world what a great actor he was by going over the top. McQueen knew his talent was great and was almost defiantely confident of it to the point of arrogance.When he co-starred with Paul Newman in the smash hit ,The Towering Inferno, the original script gave him more lines than Newman. McQueen asked the director to reduce his lines so that he and Newman would have the same number. He wanted to show the world that he was better than Newman and he wished the stakes to be as even as possible.

McQueen never won an Oscar and was nominated just once for The Sand Pebbles. Perhaps it is more a discredit to the Academy than it is to him.His performances were just to subtle and subdued for the Academy to think to award him. He never yelled or raved in his roles. Never played to the crowd or the critics. And for an Academy that largely recognises melodrama, this was not enough. Not that McQueen cared. The respect for his talent was found in all who were intelligent enough to appreciate it. And if anybody has any doubts, it is worth mentioning that in 1955 when the Lee Strasberg institute auditioned 2000 actors for an entry to its Acting Studio, only two were selected. One was the great character actor Martin Landau. And the other was McQueen.

What makes Steve McQueen ever greater is that his brilliance as a performer was matched by the strength of his personality. He rode bikes and sports cars much before it became the in thing in Hollywood. He did most of his stunts himself. He practised martial arts with Bruce Lee and was a pallbearer at Lee's funeral.His lean,brooding demeanour was complimented by the two of bluest eyes to ever grace the silver screen. He was cool, suave and rugged, all at once. Men wanted to be like him and women wanted him. He was undeniably one of the biggest stars of the 60's and 70's.

Stories of McQueen's life are numerous. He once publicly threatened to break Howard Hughes's nose if he didnt stop harassing Mamie Van Doren, an ex-girlfriend of both men.Hughes was probably the richest,most powerful man in the world at that time.He didnt go near Mamie Van Doren again.

McQueen was an avid bike rider and car racer. He carried the interest onto the screen as well. He went one step further than most actors by insisting on doing his stunts himself.

In his breakthrough role in the Great Escape, McQueen practically redefined bike riding in movies for years to come. In one the movie's final scenes, McQueen rides his bikes through the most excruciating of terrians as he tries to escape his Nazi imprisoners. Until then, chase scenes were shoot with actors sitting on the stationary bike in front of a moving screen. McQueen was having none of that.Here, the chase was shot live with McQueen riding his bike at breakneck speed in what was to become his signature riding style, half standing with his body leaning over the handlebars.

Even more famous is the car chase sequence from McQueen's greatest hit, Bullitt. Many hearts are known to have stopped watching the 20 minute sequence with McQueen driving his iconic Green Mustang in hot pursuit of two mob assassins through the winding roads of San Fransico. It is widely regarded as greatest car chase ever filmed. Released in 1968, Bullitt was a smash hit and went on to invent the gritty cop drama genre which is alive even today.

The success of Bullitt saw McQueen at his peak and defined his iconic status for generations of moviegoers to come. That is not to say that McQueen didnt have other successes. Throughout the 60s and 70s McQueen starred in a number of box office successes that are remembered today as classics. Among them are The Towering Inferno, The Magnificient Seven, Papillon,The Thomas Crown Affair,The Getaway,The Cincinatti Kid, The Sand Pebbles etc. His resume would have been even more impressive had ne not turned down roles in Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid and Apocalypse Now preferring to ride his bikes and lead a life of privacy.

In 1980, McQueen died of lung cancer caused by asbestos poisoning, to which he was exposed while racing cars and during his medal winning career in the Marines. But it is safe to say his legend lives on. He can be seen in numerous ad campaigns and remains to this day a Brand Ambassador of Tag Heuer. Great musicians like Alanis Morisette and R.E.M have mentioned him in their songs and his name is taken with reverance by almost any actor worth his salt in Hollywood today.

Yet McQueen still remains unknown among the movie going public in India.Perhaps it is because our cliche driven society has never thought to venture past the need to impress others.Frankly, I would prefer his name to remain unknown. It would be better than watching ignorant fools tarnish McQueen's name the same way they have tarnished the greatness of Brando and the like. I would hate to hear some lame jack mention McQueen's name in his list of favourite actors just to try to sound different.

Although, I dont think McQueen would care.

He would have been cool about it.